What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 25.06.2025 09:36
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
This is soul school!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It was going to be , some day.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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He knew the spot.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She was in good health!
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(And it was in our own minds.)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
How can the K-pop fandom have such a toxic mentality?
So, i spoilt her more .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One cannot live in the past .
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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I will be 64.
So whats the point in blame.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She wouldn,t have been !
And i lived it daily.
I was seconnd youngest,
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I write beautiful poetry .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But ive been too sick for many years..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But, we were locked up after school.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Was to survive, this bastard.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im still living with it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She married twice! .
Would this be the day?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I don,t even have a pension.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was 9 years of age.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She loved him until the end.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Comes on , in middle age.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I said to her
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My life is so biszare .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was very sick at this time too.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
When she asked me how she looked .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I waited trembling.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But it wasn’t much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We all went to grammer schools
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Who then, do I blame.?
All the time i was locked up.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Ive learnt so much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
What did i know ?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We were not on the streets..
As i do to all so called friends.?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Put me off passion for life!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She found it foreign!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I think the readers, may guess!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My family never makes their pension either.
I have no regrets .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..